the armor of apathy vs. the courage to feel

i was looking through some old videos on my phone today, which is always a bit of a strange experience. stumbling across a past version of yourself can be jarring, half the time you find a lost gem, and the other half, you find something that makes you want to delete your entire digital footprint.

i found this old clip of me just talking. it got me thinking about how we present ourselves. i think i would rather be called corny for sharing my actual thoughts than pretend like nothing matters. i would rather be my messy, emotional self than play it cool when everything feels heavy.

i do not want to “thug it out”. i want to feel. i am not scared to admit there is absolute chaos in my head. we cannot just keep sitting in silence while our own psyche goes to ruin. you have to be level with your emotions, or you are nobody. you do not exist without your feelings.

it sucks sometimes, especially as a guy. society acts like being sensitive makes you less of a man. i am tough in plenty of ways. i can handle hard situations. but when my feelings are hurt, it takes a massive toll. i will be up at 3 am obsessing over something a friend said months ago. i wish my brain was wired differently, but if the alternative is being numb, i will take the pain.

if you think it is lame to feel, look in the mirror. this feels like a fight i am constantly losing, but refusing to give up. i look at guys who successfully lock their emotions away, and i do not see strength. i see someone who is just waiting to explode. i am tired of the performance. i am tired of the “i am good, just tired” response. i want to be able to say i am hurt without it being a character assassination. it is heavy, carrying this much weight around, but it is better than being a ghost in my own skin.