the strenuous calculation

there is a dissonance that occurs when life demands a level of emotional expression you aren’t sure how to give.

my grandfather is currently in the late stages of his life. not long ago, i found him in a critical state. seeing someone you care for deeply, especially in a condition you wouldn’t wish on anyone, is an experience that rattles you to your core. i sat with him through the ambulance ride and for the rest of the day, feeling a profound sense of sadness and distress. and yet, the expected emotional release did not arrive.

instead, i found myself in a state of intellectual paralysis. i feel the pain, i see the gravity of the situation, but my brain defaults to a strenuous calculation. i catch myself running the math on the most basic expressions of affection, like saying “i love you.” i wonder if voicing that love will make the eventual loss harder to bear. i weigh the potential regret of silence against the immediate sting of vulnerability. it is a constant, calculated effort to find the path of least pain.

for most, these moments might trigger a flood of outward emotion. for me, it triggers a defensive mechanism i have relied on since i was young. it is a messy, complicated way to exist. it feels like my brain is trying to manage an impossible load, and i am left wondering why these responses seem to have become even more complex as i have gotten older.

sometimes i laugh at the absurdity of it all. it feels like my brain is operating in ways i never asked for, constantly analyzing and distancing when i just want to feel and be present. sometimes i think it is time for a lobotomy, just to get a break from the constant background noise of my own head. it is exhausting to navigate these heavy life events while feeling like you are operating from behind a glass partition.

i don’t have the answers. i am just documenting the messy reality of trying to be present for someone i love while my own brain is busy calculating the cost of every word. it is a work in progress, learning to trust my feelings even when they choose not to show themselves on the surface.